Current weight: 66.3 kg
I was at my lowest weight two days ago and I fucked up again. This is the second time I got down to 65.45 kg, but I’ve been eating again and it sucks. For instance, today I’ve had about 800 calories in biscuits and like… another 8-900 calories in pasta and sauce. I feel gross and bloated. I feel like I wanna go back to purging but I also know just how shit that feels. However, uni is back so I can continue my sports again! I do Pole dance, and a full-contact sport, and they’re so fun. I also feel like the burn enough calories that on those days I can actually live with myself, fast or no.
Speaking of Pole, I’m trying to come up with a song to do my first ever dance to but it’s difficult. It’s got to be something sorta magical but also, yaknow, fun and able to dance to? I have plenty of time to think about it, but it’s just something I’ve got to figure out. I’m trying to be more active in general anyway, and it’s also a great way to lose weight!
In terms of mental health, I haven’t had the greatest time so far. This year has been absolutely insane already – drugs, parties, self harm, it’s all coming back. I tried to cut open one of the fat lumps last night. I didn’t bleed or anything but I was so close. I’m going to the doctor next wednesday (29th) to talk about anti-depressants and my other prescriptions, and like… I’m low key terrified. This is huge for me. Going on meds isn’t something I take lightly, because it means I’m trying to get better. I’m conciously trying to make my mental health better.
People are definitely noticing what I’ve been like since new year, and I’ve definitely told people things I shouldn’t have. It’s not that I regret being honest with people, it’s that I regret them having that info about me. I need to go back to control. In every sense, I need control. The control of my body with food, the control of my mind to not go crazy every time I touch alcohol, the control to live like a relatively normal human being.
My girlfriend and I are doing well, if a little tired. She cares, but I almost wish she didn’t. I just wanna exist, and as much as I love her, emotion is fucking draining. I’m tired as hell now, and I just bought laxatives so I’m gonna call it here for this one.
See you in the next one, A x
“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”
Sir Terry Pratchett
Life, and other lies 