Current weight: 65.75 kg
Yesterday was difficult. I felt exhausted all day, despit having had 11 hours of sleep. I got through the day having a total of about 48 calories (little sherbert sweets were so good eurgh). Uni went as well as it could go, I’m lost but not as badly as last term. I also seem to have a few half decent friends in class so that’s something I got going for me. A friend I made last week (recovering mia) is being really cool despite me breaking down about calories and stuff to her today.
I had choir in the evening instead of pole dance, and I’m honestly starting to not want to go. I’m a female tenor, but they still split the parts by “men and women” and other shit, some of the music we’re doing isn’t my cup of tea and I just am not having fun anymore. So I’m gonna apply for captain of my sports team next year and if that comes off I have an excuse for why I have to quit. Other than that, not much happened yesterday except uni being vaguely interesting.
I got another 11 hours of sleep today (slightly worrying tbh) and woke up late for uni, so I decided to say fuck it and not go in. After farting around a bit, I ended up having a really good broth I made. I used a miso paste, soy sauce and sesame oil mixed with a blend of herbs and spices, and it was maybe 20 calories total and left me so full. I was so hyped cos it meant I wouldn’t binge cos I could always make another one.
But, I’d also had a line, and then a bomb so when they hit I suddenly wolfed down like 300 calories of sugary sweets. I regret them but I burnt them off so I’m not letting them ruin my 3 week fast. I’ve pretty much been scrolling through thinspo, playing video games, a bit of tidying up, and drawing when I’ve felt able to all day and it’s been so chill. Had about 5 cups of green tea too so I’m quite settled now. Just tempted to do another bomb.
It’s getting really cold outside and that worries me, because cold affects me way more than it used to. I used to be ok in a t-shirt and shorts at, like, -10C but now since losing about 20 kg since those days I feel cold outside most of the time even in a jumper. My gf and I are going to see MCR together, so besides losing at least 10 kg for March to flex on my old toxic group of friends, I now have a goal in June to aim for!! I wanna be at least 45 kg for the concert. Not underweight enough I’m in serious danger yet, cos I plan to drink and do a LOT of drugs, but after that I’m gonna push to 35kg over summer.
I’ll probably get another early night tonight so that I can stop sleeping in and missing important uni work, but you never know if I’m just gonna… get high again instead. Anyways, stay skinny, stay safe, and I love you all
A x
“Being in love, you know… it’s not like having a canary, in a cage. When you lose one sweetheart, you can’t just go out and get another to replace her.”
Sarah Waters, Tipping The Velvet
Life, and other lies 