Current weight: 66.5 kg
So I think I’ve found my new snack food – Mange tout!! They’re crunchy, tasty and 9 calories per 28 grams like WHAT!!! Eurgh, I feel rough ngl. I haven’t slept in my bed for 3 nights. Valentine’s day was a fucking horror, no surprise. I ended up sleeping on the sofa fairly early because I couldn’t stand being in my room. I did video chat my gf for a bit which was nice, and I drew some vent art. The only thing I had was nearly 4L of cider, which might have been a mistake honestly but at this point who cares?
I’ve had some really intrusive suicidal thoughts recently too. Like, more than my regular psychosis and it’s not healthy at all. I ended up doing the worst cuts of my life on friday. They’re mostly on my chest but also my leg so I’m hoping they can be covered up quite easily but they worry me. I need to snap out of this funk but I also don’t want to.
Saturday was interesting. I did nothing most of the day, no surprise there, then started drinking late. But then my captain reminded me that our teammate was having a party that night! It was honestly so superb! I made my way through 2L of cider and a bit of rum, almost broke my shoulder, slept (platonically, get your minds out of the gutter!!) with the host and made a couple of friends. I can say it was genuinely one of the nicest times of my life.
I just feel so done, and so lost in life. My only real goal right now is to survive and lose at least 10 kg when I visit my old hometown in March. Some would say that’s unreasonable but on my 66 hour fast this week I lost 9.7 lbs total so… hopefully? I also encountered one of the side effects of laxative abuse yesterday and it was…. not pretty. I’m very tired and stressed but looking forward to existing again.
As always – stay safe, stay skinny, A x
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself; I am large — I contain multitudes.”
Walt Whitman
Life, and other lies 