Current weight: Around 67 kg
Wow I’ve been gone a while. So I’ve been cutting free for 1 year, 2 weeks and 3 days. I nearly slipped up 3 days ago which hurts, but I thankfully pulled through. I’ve been having breakdowns, trauma realisations, flashbacks, arguments with loved ones, and so much shit piling up and I’m genuinely surprised I got through that without relapsing.
I wish ana would hurry up and actually bring me down. I can’t fall into any of my other habits, and this is the one that can at least protect me from the others. I can’t ever be a child again. That was stolen from me twice over – the inherent loss by virtue of being queer, and the combination of perfectionist middle-class family with the fucked up cultures and friends I had to deal with growing up. I never had a childhood, and I never will and I can never fully undo that. I don’t know how long I can live with that,
I can’t trust friendship groups ever again thanks to the last lot. I thought they were there for me, and I got stabbed in the back by them all. I need friendships to live. That is how I survive, especially without feeling romantic attraction of any kind. I need those, and they let me down. I could care less about my own sexual trauma honestly. The real fucked part is the way that nobody stood up for me. Nobody cared. They all sided with my rapist. So yeah, of course I don’t trust people.
I’m tired and I can’t stop being tired. And I can never be happy, and I can never stop being fucked up. But I can help others feel just a little less shit and that’s all that matters.
Stay safe, Stay skinny. A x
“What you risk reveals what you value.”
Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body
